For the last few weeks, I have felt sad. I am tired and unsettled and my regular activities fail to please me. I am writing my blog less because I feel less than enthusiastic about most things. I haven't been to church for weeks nor do I feel inclined to call up my friends to chat or go for a walk. The brand new bike that I bought is hanging in the bike room and I have only been twice to the pool. It seems that I am suffering from depression.
I have always been aware of the moods that come and go. Monsieur suffers from a mood disorder but he tends to live in the hypomanic state. At the high times, he is 150% involved in whatever his fancy may be at the time. He has run 13 marathons, played in several music groups at a time, been a workaholic and had several domestic (and not) relationships in his life. It's part of what attracted me to him in the first place but it is hard to live with. I am more likely to feel sad or lethargic. I guess that makes us a bit like Jack Sprat and his wife.
It is easy to say "just get out there and do more things and you will feel better." I am a sociable introvert. I enjoy time by myself except right now when it seems that I don't enjoy anything. I enquired about volunteering at the Sharing Farm today and I called my personal trainer to see if she has any openings. But depression isn't really "fixed" by doing more things or buying more things or going more places. If I had a "cure", I would be a wealthy woman.
I have now been retired for two years during which I have travelled and accomplished some of my personal goals. My dad died this year and my relationship with my mother has changed a lot as she works to build a different life for herself. I have no grandchildren and I do believe that generativity is an important aspect of older life. I was used to being around children as I was a mum and a teacher. Monsieur does not need anyone (so he says) and does not feel that it is his job to make me feel better.
Depression is often the elephant in the room that we don't talk about for fear of seeming weak or ungrateful. Those who don't understand depression may ask themselves "What does she have to feel sad about?" I have ample financial resources, good health and the ability to engage in many activities. I have read lots of books about "Third Age" living and am not afraid of growing older. I have no answers. If this sadness and lethargy don't disappear soon, I will go to see my doctor.