This year marks the anniversaries of my two marriages: I married in 1974 and again in 2004. My first marriage lasted 12 years and my second…… I ask myself this question as I watch my cohort group mark the 40th with dogs, cats, and grandchildren while I have passed the last two evenings alone while Monsieur rehearses, dines, jokes and laughs with other women although he knows that I feel unhappy and excluded by his behaviour. Why is marriage so difficult?
When I was a young 20-ish girl with little experience, a sheltered upbringing and a great deal of insecurity, I was flattered by the attentions of Hubby 1. I was a bookish young lady but I really couldn't think of what I would do with a double major in Canadian and French Literature. No one would have suggested Grad School and to be a "professional student" (now you are a lifelong learner) was frowned upon in my family. Young ladies were expected to have a "chaste air" for as long as they lived in the family home. To my inexperienced self, marriage seemed like a good option.
And it worked! For a time…. Darling daughter came along, we had other young families as friends, bought our first home and HB 1 studied to become an accountant. His career progressed, we took family holidays, we even had a cat but after about 10 years, I felt that something was missing. The thought that my life would continue in this way forever…..How young and inexperienced I was. Nothing continues forever!
I had a part-time job in a little municipal library where I met the most interesting man….Coup de foudre!!! Marathon runner, library director, musician…..a person such as I had never met before!
I didn't gain a lot of life experience in my 11 years of marriage so I ignored that fact that Monsieur had been married and divorced twice before the age of 35 and was currently living with another woman….
I have always believed that if I do my best, if I try hard enough that I can do anything. I CAN NOT
make someone else act as I wish or care how I feel. No matter what a lovely wardrobe I compile, how much I work at my WW goals……Even if I iron the sheets!!! All of the womanly arts, wiles or whatever else is in the bag of tricks can not make a marriage work if the marriage is not a priority for both partners. I should have been put in the Resource Class for life experience.
Last night, I cried, I dialled Monsieur's cell countless times with no reassuring response….I got frustrated, poured a glass of wine and then I chose ME! I poured it down the drain. My WW goals are too important to me to self-sabotage. I can lose weight, I can cut down on my wine consumption but I still don't know how to make love stay!!!
I promise that my next post will be about using Janice Riggs wardrobe planning sheet.
P.S. If you have a night to yourself, you might like to watch Violette, a French movie about a much-suffering 20th century author who was a contemporary of Simone de Beauvoir. Despite all the fripperies that we have come to love, the French really seem to be able to confront the feeling of being alone and unloved.